What do you think about my poem?
This poem is a dedication to what has happened on 1998 Jakarta Riots. No offensive statement intended. A Broken City This is the city that was born A few decades ago Yesterday this place was torn Of riches and domination However, it soon became disastrous People beg and bow for hopes They distraught, but their rage is only a sign of hopelessness The Leader and his disciple just sitting on their chair Huge money deposited in their bunker They reveal that they have corrupted to the state But the official does not restore any power A broken city would probably only a sign of a chaotic Until the almightily, approaches and make alternation That would regain peace and equality throughout the city. I am not a literature expert nor an English native speaker, so sorry for any simple grammar error. What is your opinion about the poem that I've written above? The most appealing and compatible feedback will be chosen as the best answer. Thank you for your time. Well, tinnou83 the last paragraph is not the part of the poem, simple as that. Please state your comments about it don't just make complain.
Poetry - 9 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
it's good
2 :
really,it is very good ,Go on.
3 :
I like this very much. It is artistic and also easy to understand. Well done.
4 :
"They distraught" needs to be "They are distraught." "Their chair" could be "His chair" to be grammatically correct. "Huge money" is usually not used. You would say "huge cat" but "lots of money" or "endless money" or something like that. The "to" after corrrupted is not needed. "Probably" needs a verb, "chaotic" should either drop the "a" beforehand or describe something. "Almightily" should be "almighty" and you don't need a comma there. "Anternation" should be "ateration." Okay, now that the technical advice is over, I think that your poem has a strong beginning, and the shorter lines are more appealing to me. (All of this is just me--if you like it, let it be.) Your second stanza is almost a paragraph with sentences in it. If you're aiming for a more poem-y feel, try making changes like "But the occial restores no power" instead of "does not restore any power." Just a suggestion for the style. Don't be afraid to stick fragments in there ("Huge money desposited in their bunker" is a fragment, true, but it doesn't sound very poetic. Consider something more like "Every coin locked away" or just take out the word "desposited" because it sounds more like a bank.) I hope I haven't offended/discourage you from writing. You have talent and potential, and considering that English isn't your first language, you're very good at it. Keep writing to get practice.
5 :
namaskar Why finishing by: am not a literature expert nor an English native speaker, so sorry for any simple grammar error. What is your opinion about the poem that I've written above? The most appealing and compatible feedback will be chosen as the best answer. Thank you for your time. did you begin by saying : What do you think about my poem? ... bla bla ????? bizarre you are
6 :
You tend to be very clear and stuck to the point, a fact that I appreciate. You seem to be quite concealed the moments that you were writing, maybe I'm wrong but, take aside not being American, this was a magnificent specimen that can give good pointers to others. Terrific!!!
7 :
Your poem was excellent and it is true.
8 :
Just ignore tinnou83, he's just envy about your poem. I think your poem is very powerful and show excellent and profound implication. Don't worry about grammar error as long as every phrases and stanza is clear and defines a meaning. I am convinced that every word you've utterly said is true. Very Good.
9 :
This poem inform us facts, it will be more informative if you can add in between the last fisrt (..... of hopelessnes) before ; The leader and his etc.. " Jakarta is the city of 10 Millions populations soon..... Any way, this is an interesting poem! Bravo!
