Is he really looking for a job?
I'm 38, husband 41. We've been married for 11 years and have a ten y.o daughter. After he lost his business due to a irreconcilable dispute with his partner (this is not the first, losing and disputing I mean) and fell into a terrible bankruptcy, we had to move back to my father's house early this year. I had to let go of my own business, but thank God my old workplace is willing to take me back, but my husband is still jobless. He only stays at home, but claims to be looking for work/business through the internet and his network (by phone/text-messaging). He spends most of his time in front of TV and computer, and gets angry when I ask about his plans. He said he had been the breadwinner for ten years, so I should give him a break now. I don't think this is true because I had my own business, and my father gave him a lot of money so he could start his business. I just can't communicate with him cos he just walks away or says something nasty if he doesn't like the topic. He only helps with our kid and the chores when he is in the mood, which is rare. I wish we could see and talk to someone about this, but I don't think there are any marriage counselors in my area - I live in a small town in Indonesia - but if there were any, my husband wouldn't go. I asked him once to come with me to see our pastor, but he only told me to take a look at myself in the mirror before judging others, and not to hang our dirty laundry in public. I want to make sure that this is only a stage that I have to go through, that I just have to brace myself till it's over, that I'm not being weak and lame, and making myself everyone's door mat. I feel so limited now and that makes me really angry. Maybe if there were just me and my daughter, life would be less complicated? Maybe we should plan to move away together, just me and my daughter? Or maybe my husband is just afraid of facing life after the loss? How can I make him want to get out there and start over? I hate having to support a healthy man all the time. And I don't think he's being a good role model for our daughter. What should I do?
Marriage & Divorce - 6 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
You've hit the nail right on the head. Life would be easier if it was just you and your daughter. So what are you waiting for?
2 :
My father went thru this for a year when he lost his job. It was not a good year and he turned to drinking. Things were very difficult at home while he was without a job. I think it started with the idea that he was not the breadwinner at the moment where he had been for years and years before. That may be something your husband doesn't like. But my dad actually did go out and look for jobs. Taking resumes and filling out applications. That is something that your man is not doing, and you can only network so much at home before you need to go out and physically do this. Talk to him about your feelings and tell him that this is really bothering you. Hopefully he will see that you are seriously worried about the situation and either turn to someone such as your pastor or start going out and looking for a job. Sometimes its hard for a man to go out looking for a job because they want to be strong and looking for a job at times may look like to some that you're asking or help. You could offer to bring home job applications to him and see if this helps.
3 :
In this case, with him putting the blame on you and not willing to seek help, I would separate from him and force him to at least have to support himself...his attitude is bad and maybe he is suffering from the loss, but he is doing absolutly nothing to get back on his feet. Move on
4 :
I think you should move away with your daughter for some time and then tell him by phone, post, e-mail or whatever that you are not coming back until he gets a job and is willing to treat you better. If he really loves you he would sit up!
5 :
Your husband needs counseling, after that and he still does not improve, then I would think about Plan B. It sounds like your husband is really depressed and medication might be the answer to get him back on his feet, counseling and medication, and if that does not work and he is not willing to do this for you and your child, then I would definately leave him, and get a good life for you and your child.
6 :
Your husband has gotten lazy and you must nip this in the bud. He is probably feeling sorry for himself that his business did not work out, but he can't sit and reflect on it any longer. What's done is done, time to move on to better things! It might be hard, but see if you can't help him update his resume. Have him determine for himself what his best qualities are and what jobs he should apply to, then get online and start scourging all the job sites like monster, careerbuilder and craigslist. When my husband was unemployed at the beginning of this year, I would get online everyday for him and look around, I would print off jobs that looked interested and let him decide if he wanted to send to them. It took 4 months but now he's got a good job and I am happy everyday that he is working. Best of luck to you, it can only get better from here on out.
