what to do ? ...........?
what to do , what to do...? ok , my grandad is in his 80's , and his doctor has been telling him for the past two years to go to a rest-home , we moved to indonesia last week , and we havent found an apartment yet , we are still looking , and were no where near settled down. my grandfather has been telling me that he wants to come here for a holiday , but whenever my father is talking to him , he doesnt mention it .. he told me on the phone today that he plans on visiting us next month and asking our adress , but we dont even have one yet.. i am worried that once he gets here , he will be very ill from the long flight from autralia to indonesia .. he said he is feeling like a lonely old man , but that is really all his fault .. he didnt look after his wife , she left him , he didnt look after his money , he now has none ...because he likes to impress people and used to take young ladys out for dinner and taking them on holidays & paying for everything and then go on about how 'it turned heads ' and all those ladys would keep ringing him , he had a good business , was earning a reasonable amount of money ..but now its all gone .. all his workers are retiring and there are people calling up asking with jobs , but he says he cant , because he only has a few workers left as they are all retiring and hes too old to train more people bcoz he is very old now.. and he has no more money.. no women call him any more , now that he has no more money.. he gets very grumpy and shouts alot at people on the phone , he talks like he is a rich man , and that has led his friends to not talk to him anymore.. he doesnt have anything left in australia ..not even a house .. but he receives money from the government (pention) and the government will subsidise his daily medication because he has had about 6 heart attacks and a lot of minor strokes .. the government will pay for him to go to a rest home in australia .. i am worried that once he gets here .. he will be very sick .. and my father has just moved here and has lots of pressure on his job , he is working 7 days a week at the moment until everthing is running smoothly which could be a few months away. we are just about to enrol in school , so we are really not settled yet..and hearing my grandfather say he is coming here .. is worrying me , because i think it will stress my dad .. i have mentioned a little bit about this to my dad and he just said he doesnt want his dad to come here and pulled more cigarettes out .... it is very hard because no insurance company will insure him .. we have made many inquiries ..and where we are is just a very hard place for him .. so i dont know how my dad will juggle all this .. since we are new to this country .. another thing that worries me .. is him not wanting to leave .. i think that he will buy a one way ticket and want to stay with us permantly .. we could not handle this , since he is supposed to be in a rest home .. and we will not be living in a house made for old people...we will be in a apartment maybe 30 stories high..and it is not close to a hospital due to all the traffic.. he has other children in aus , but he never even visits them ! he had one son , who he never visited since he was 5 ! and he still hasnt visited his sons widow ..or his grandchildren from them , or his great granddaughter .. he has another son who lives just two hours away and he never visits them.. i dont know why he wants to visit us and be a burden ? we are such a long way away .. and when we lived in the pacific , myself and my mom used to fly to australia every 3 months to visit him , because he would say he was lonely .. he is also an actor .. it was his proffesion for many year.. he did many pantomines and was offered jobs over seas as an actor.. so i cant really tell if he is emotional or just pretending , he trys to make us feel sorry for him , and hang his botttom lip.. but hes really old to travel now..he might end up very sick.. he needs to lie down atleast once every hour and hes been like that for years .. he also goes on about his friends living in retirement villages and cost three hundred and fifty thousand $ ... but all those friends had houses that they sold to move there.. he doesnt i think he feels we should pay for him to live in a fancy retirement village or he will come live here with us .. we have been internationally transferred 4 times this year and what if we have to do it again ? we even struglle to pay our international schooling ,so hes just going to another expense.. i dont know why he is trying to burden us ..where he is now is the best place for him becaus of the financial aid ..and the medical resources..maybe if we were in a country tht had good resources for oldies .. and had our own house ..we could make him a grandpa wing and he could live next door to us ,and eat with us . but not here ..were just not in tht position .. im sorry for the longness , and i know this sounds mean , but i just d
Senior Citizens - 5 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
OK- first of all let me say that I can tell that you are a very kind-hearted and empathetic person. This can be a blessing and a curse. The blessing is the joy it will bring you when you can help people while staying true to yourself and your boundaries. The curse comes in that if you do not find a way to lay boundaries down and stick to them, then you will attract people to you that will take what they can from you (emotionally, physically, financially, etc.) and then leave. It is not an accident that your Grandpa is only talking to you about this and not to his son. It is completely unfair of him to put that kind of pressure on you! I absolutely agree that if he did make it there, it would be with the expectation that he will live with you. I understand that it pains you to see suffering and your concern for your dad, but ultimately it is between them. This is going to be one of many times in your life when you will have the opportunity to set appropriate boundaries. The next time your grandpa brings it up, tell him something like "well, what does dad say about that? or "I'm sorry you're feeling that way, have you talked to your other kids about that?" Empathize, but then try to take yourself out of the equation. Again, as the grandchild, it is inappropriate for him to be putting you in this position. And, as much as it does suck, you're right- he made his bed and now he needs to lay in it (so to speak.) I just keep thinking "you reap what you sow." I mean, it sucks to be him, but you didn't put him in this mess. Good luck to you and your life and this situation. That which does not kill us does make us stronger. And, on the plus side, this gives you the opportunity to see what the outcome is of making certain life choices and living certain lifestyles. I mean, I'm all for living in the moment and enjoying the here and now, but within reason. There has to be a balance between living for today and planning for tomorrow. As an after-thought, you mentioned that he owns his own business, maybe he can look into selling it. It wouldn't hurt to look into, especially since he has jobs that he's having to turn down. That tells me that there is still value to it.
2 :
Easy.....leave it up to his Dr. to give the orders to put him in a home....and they can do that because he sounds like he's ready for 24/7 care and unless a family member is willing to step up to that job the last resort is nursing home!! Don't feel bad if he blew his money and can't live in an assisted living it's his own fault. Your dad doesn't need this problem had his dad not blown his son's inheritance maybe things could be different!! Let your dad have his life while he has his health!! This may sound harsh but I went through this with my aunt!!
3 :
You should tell your father what your Grandfather has been telling you about visiting. You also might try to not worry about thinks that you cannot change. There was a time when families took care of their own and it wasn't considered a "burden". To had that your father didn't have him declared incapable and put into a home. Some of us understand that modern families consider warehousing the elderly appropriate.
4 :
Although you are very worried, this cannot be your problem. Your father needs to take charge and talk to his siblings about your grandfather and what is best for him. They may all need to go to Australia and have a talk with granddad to make sure he is settled in a place that will care for him.
5 :
take a deep breath first. first of all you have to discuss this problem with your family especially your parents since the responsibility isn't yours. I do understand that you felt kinda stuck, but please be positive about all of this situation, think positive and don't push yourself too hard on this issue. I do know international schooling cost and living cost quite expensive in jakarta. I suggest you to find an alternative beside apartment, maybe some house or so, but again it depends on how long will you stay in Jakarta. You Must discuss it with your parents, try to find the solution together. the solution itself maybe include say the truth to your grandpa, it's also very important to make him know about this whole situation. it's just my two cents. my best wishes for you :)
